The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
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they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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