I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
