Did you just see the Batmobile???
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
