**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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