it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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