Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
