Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
