I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
