I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
