why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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