Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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