Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
