I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
