If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
