He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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