Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
