She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
