I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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