I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
