I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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