jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
