That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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