YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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