I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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