TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
