I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
