I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
