Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
