What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
