so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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