I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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