my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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