he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
