I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
