She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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