Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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