Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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