I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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