i wish my penis had a tongue
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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