I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
