i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
