his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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