I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
