I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
