Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
