Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
