3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
