I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
