somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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