I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just puked most of my soul out..
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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