Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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