My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
