I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I didn't notice because vodka
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize