ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
